Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
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