Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
