did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
