I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
