that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
