Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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