Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
