Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
