Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
