So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
