I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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