I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
After tacos, we're chasing women.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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