mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
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You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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