Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
