Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
