I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
