so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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