Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
My bed smells like the plague
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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