I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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