i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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