im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
