Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
