Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
