hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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