I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
