You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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