the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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