drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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