Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
