The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
