***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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