Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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