It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
