I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
