im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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