just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
