I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
