I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
