the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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