I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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