the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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