Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
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You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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