I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
