you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
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every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
There's always time for handjobs
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
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that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
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