Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
