Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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