maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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