Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
