i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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