Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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