Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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