they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
