Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I just gargled with NyQuil
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
