I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
