Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
