The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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