Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I could make wine with my vomit
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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