You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
