I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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