I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
