drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
